John Klossner’s cartoon is set in a conference room. Three unicorns in business suits are meeting with a man. One of these mythological creatures is holding a document (maybe a report or a resume) and addressing the man.
I first imagined they were discussing sales figures and projections:
- “Are these numbers real?”
- “If we don’t improve sales, this company will cease to exist.”
I then thought the unicorns were interviewing a prospective employee and reviewing his resume:
- “It says here you know Excel. You expect us to believe that?”
- “Do you have any experience riding rainbows?”
Then I imagined the unicorn extending a job offer: “You can be the token Jew.” Even though this caption notes that the job applicant would be a diversity hire, it doesn’t really work because it fails to address the fact that everyone on the hiring committee is a unicorn.
I then alluded to the legend that only a virgin can capture and tame a unicorn:
- “Really? You don’t look like a virgin….Actually, you do.”
- “We never imagined the virgin who captured and tamed us would be a 40-year-old man.”
Finally, I relied on the easiest explanation for a bizarre scenario (it’s just a dream!) but added a twist by noting that unicorns typically appeal to young girls: “Yes, you are dreaming, but why about unicorns? What are you? An 8-year-old girl?”
Now let’s see how you did.
Many of you assumed the unicorns were conducting a job interview:
- “We just think a pre-teen girl would better appreciate what we’re trying to accomplish here.”
- “So, tell us what sets you apart?”
- “Your resume is unbelievable.”
- “But do you fart glitter rainbows?”
Yes, I know that last caption is juvenile and crass, but it made me laugh, as did this entry: “These projections don’t make sparkles shoot out my ass.”
Here are some less vulgar alternatives to captions about negative business forecasts (and how to improve them):
- “Brand recognition is way down. It’s almost like we don’t exist.”
- “The Board has learned that our key demographic is not middle-aged men.”
- “We need you to think like a little girl.”
- “At least we’re still trending with the pre-ten female demographic.”
- “Magical thinking made this company, and magical thinking will save it.”
These entries allude to the fact that unicorns are mythological creatures:
- “Do you expect us to believe this?”
- “It’s like you’re making this stuff up!”
- “Are these numbers real?”
- “I didn’t think numbers like this existed.”
- “Yeah, well, your job doesn’t exist, either.”
Even in myths, unicorns are most uncommon: “Employees like you are extremely rare.”
Many of you highlighted the fact that the man does not have a horn:
- “I don’t see your point.”
- “You’re missing the point.”
- “We’re giving you six months to grow one.”
- “You’ll need to grow one.”
- “Unfortunately, we don’t feel you’re the right man to spearhead this campaign.”
Here’s a decent twist on the old joke about a horse who walks into a bar and is greeted by the bartender with a question: “Why the short face?”
One of you assumed the man is in charge—an assumption supported by the fact that he’s seated at the head of the conference table—and that the unicorns are negotiating with him for better working conditions: “We demand higher ceilings.”
“It’s all a dream” is a lazy explanation for any bizarre scenario—that didn’t, of course, stop me from using it for this contest—but so are drugs: “We put LSD in your coffee.” Still, I like that caption.
I love this entry because it took me completely by surprise by positing that the unicorns are not corporate employees but private detectives: “Your wife and the other man will never know we’re following them.”
As always, I’ll end with a few strong captions that don’t fit neatly into any category:
- “As long as it doesn’t happen again, we’re going to overlook the ring toss incident.”
- “I’ll keep this brief since some of us have to be at a kid’s birthday party later.”
- “Have you had some work done?”
This week’s winner is the fitting and beautifully concise, “You’re missing the point.”