Many New Yorker cartoons are set in a hospital waiting room, where a surgeon addresses someone who’s anxiously awaiting news of the patient’s condition. Frank Cotham’s surgeon was mercenary:
Zachary Kanin’s was desperate for company:
And Danny Shanahan’s was well-intentioned but misguided:
Shanahan is now back with yet another variation on this scenario, but this time his surgeon is addressing a potted plant:
My first idea included a callback to Shanahan’s earlier cartoon—it begins with the same four words—and references to both a plant’s need for light, and an expression used to describe a dead person’s journey to heaven: “If it’s any consolation, he’s getting plenty of light.”
Bad news for a human patient can be good news for a plant, so I next came up with these two ideas:
- “Good news. We’re ready to put him in the ground.”
- “Relax. He’s in a vegetative state.”
Finally, I assumed the plant was waiting for news about its human caretaker: “You’re going to have to water yourself.”
Now let’s see how you did:
I wasn’t the only one to play around with the term “vegetative state:”
- “Good news—she’s in a persistent vegetative state!”
- “Good news, he’s still in a vegetative state.”
- “Good news—he’s in a vegetative state.”
- “I will do my best to keep you in a vegetative state.”
I’d like that first caption more without the exclamation point. The second and third captions are almost identical, but the word “still” (present in the second caption and absent from the third)—changes the meaning enough to warrant the inclusion of both entries. The fourth entry is unique because it assumes that the plant is not waiting for news about someone else but is the actual patient.
Like I did, a couple of you turned a dark expression into cause for celebration:
- “Good news, he’s ready to go into the ground.”
- “Our team will have him in the ground in no time.”
Here are this week’s best pandemic jokes:
- “You’re the only one I can talk to without a mask.”
- “Finally, someone I can exhale on who won’t get mad!”
Both good, but I prefer the one without the exclamation point.
Here are the best puns:
- “It shouldn’t be too much longer. We’re just waiting for a bed.”
- “You’re in luck! We have a bed for you.”
- “We had to remove a limb.”
- “I’ll check the nursery.”
- “Time to harvest some stem cells.”
And here’s the best Jewish joke: “I’ll say Kaddish for the wandering Jew.”
This next entry doesn’t quite make sense because the surgeon’s wearing glasses, but it made me laugh: “Lasik is perfectly safe Mrs. Nusbaum. I had it done. Nice dress by the way.”
I was surprised that four of you came up with essentially the same scatological joke, but I have to admit that it fits the drawing surprisingly well:
- “The men’s room is out of order. Would you mind terribly?”
- “The men’s room is too far away, so I hope you don’t mind.”
- “Sorry, but I just couldn’t find the Men’s Room.”
- “Sorry, but the Men’s Room is full.”
My father’s favorite Charles Addams cartoon is set in a maternity ward. A nurse is addressing a new father (who looks quite odd) by saying, “Congratulations! It’s a baby.” I thought of that classic when I saw these two entries:
- “How do we tell if it’s a boy or a girl?”
- “It’s a boy. Or a girl. We’re not really sure.”
I’m not sure whether this entry—“If it’s any consolation, he’ll make great compost”—is a callback to the Danny Shanahan caption that begins with the same for words, but it’s better than my own callback.
I love the way these two entries suggest that the surgeon is addressing not the plant but a person we cannot see:
- “Mr. Johnson, there’s no use hiding behind the plant.”
- “Good hiding place, but time for your vasectomy.”
These two entries use the proper word for performing surgery on a plant:
- “The pruning was a success.”
- “You may not recognize her. We had to do a lot of pruning.”
And, as always, I will end with several strong entries that don’t fit neatly into any category:
- “It was aphids.”
- “The arborist will be out to talk to you in a minute.”
- “Turns out she wasn’t a perennial.”
- “Are you sitting down?”
- “Can I get you some water while you wait?”
This week’s winner is the somewhat sick, “Good news—he’s in a vegetative state.”