I was twelve years old in 1974, when I first saw a paperback copy of “Jaws.” On the front cover a great white shark rose from the depths toward a naked woman swimming on the surface. And there, together, were my two greatest fears: sharks and naked women. My fear of naked women was complicated—it stemmed from the fact that I didn’t know what I would do if I were ever lucky enough to be with one—but my fear of sharks was more straightforward. They inspired feelings of sheer terror.
So while Drew Panckeri’s drawing of a great white’s therapy session may seem harmless or even charming to most people, it taps into my darkest fears. The shark is lying on a couch and saying something to his therapist, a moray eel.
My first thought was that a shark could never lie comfortably on its back because of its dorsal fin: “Whoever designed this couch didn’t have a dorsal fin.”
I then remembered the trailer for “Jaws,” a movie I saw the day after it opened because I was not just terrified by but obsessed with great white sharks. In the trailer, shot from the perspective of the predator as it swims through the ocean, a voice intones that sharks are “mindless eating machines.” That memory led to:
- “I’m trying to be a much more intentional eating machine.”
- “I’m a neurotic eating machine.”
“Jaws” was criticized by some, including Jacques Cousteau, for making great white sharks look far too threatening to humans. A shark might share this frustration and want to get back at the film’s director, who is well-known for being Jewish and supporting Jewish causes: “How would Spielberg like it if I made a horror movie called ‘Jews?’”
Some people seek therapy to deal with their greatest fears—I should probably see someone about my shark phobia—and I assumed the shark’s greatest fear would be tied to its need to constantly move forward or die: “I guess my greatest fear is dying while lying still on this couch.”
The shark in Panckeri’s drawing is a great white, and because a lot of attention is now focused on white privilege, white men who are upset about the loss of that privilege, and so-called “reverse discrimination,” I came up with these captions:
- “Remember when it really was great to be white?”
- “These days, only Republicans think whites are great.”
- “I know this sounds awful, but can you refer me to a great white therapist?”
Now let’s see how you did:
There were, unsurprisingly, many references to “Jaws.” Here are the best:
- “You’re gonna need a bigger couch.”
- “I feel like I’m being followed by a cellist.”
- “I’m just angry at the way my people are depicted in the media.”
- “I swallow a lot of aggression, along with a number of swimmers around Cape Cod.”
Like I did, a couple of you addressed the fact that a shark must constantly keep moving forward:
- “I can’t stop moving.”
- “But if I don’t move forward, I’ll die.”
One of my captions connected this constant need for forward movement to a shark’s greatest fear, but the following entry highlights an even more powerful fear: “In a word? Harpoons.”
Many of you identified not fears so much as concerns or anxieties that might motivate a shark to seek therapy:
- “I don’t feel threatened. I am threatened.”
- “I’ve had my fill of people.”
- “It’s always ‘Shark!,’ never ‘Leonard!’”
- “I’ve been eating vegans for weeks and haven’t lost an ounce.”
- “I’m starting to think maybe I’m the problem.”
- “Why can’t I be feared and well-liked?”
- “I never feel relaxed at the beach. It’s always work work work.”
- “I’m not getting any sleep.”
- “Every time I really open up, people seem to wish I hadn’t.”
There were several references to “Shark Week,” but this was the best: “For one week out of the year I feel good about myself.”
And here are the best (loss of) white privilege jokes:
- “If I’m so great and white, why am I not rich?”
- “Maybe being white isn’t so great after all.”
I like these two puns:
- “No one wants to be my chum.”
- “I used to enjoy eating new people.”
And here is this week’s best sex joke: “If my fin is such an aphrodisiac, why can’t I get laid?”
While some of my captions focused on the second word in “great white,” many of you focused on the first word and submitted terrific entries alluding to the shark’s feelings of inadequacy:
- “So, good’s not enough? I have to be great?”
- “Lately, I’ve been a not-so-great white shark.”
- “A good white sure. But great?”
- “I’m not really that great.”
As I did, a few of you noticed that a shark could not lie back comfortably on a couch. One of you submitted this entry—“You know what’s painful? Laying on my dorsal fin like this”—which is good but would be better without the last two words. Always end with the punch line, which in this case is “dorsal fin.” Also, “laying” should be “lying.”
Finally, I really liked these two responses to the standard question that Freudian therapists ask: “How does that make you feel?”
- “Well, when I ate the diver I guess I felt…full.”
- “What are feelings?”
Every week, I’m pleasantly surprised by the number of really strong entries we receive. This week is no exception so choosing a winning caption is difficult, but I’m going with, “I’m not really that great.”