This week’s contest has a prize, and it’s a great one: the featured cartoon, signed by the artist (Michael Shaw), with the winning caption. If I were competing for this prize, I’d be very upset with whoever decided I didn’t deserve it.
More than 1,000 people entered this contest, and now I have to disappoint all but one of them. Please remember, however, that I don’t make the final decision. That’s Bob Mankoff’s job, so if you’re mad about not winning, take it up with him.
OK, let’s begin with my captions:
I first suggested reasons Santa might see a psychiatrist.
Maybe he’s sad: “Everybody gets depressed during the holidays.”
Or suffering from SAD: “’Tis the season for affective disorders.”
Or from OCD:
- “Why this compulsive need to check it twice?”
- “What do you think will happen if you check it only once?”
Maybe he’s frustrated: “No one likes working the holidays.”
Or worried that he’s schizophrenic: “No, you’re just polar.”
Maybe he’s upset because everyone stops believing in him when they grow up:
- “You have to believe in yourself.”
- “As long as you believe in yourself, who cares what others think?”
Here are a few non-OCD references to making a list:
- “No, I’m not making a list.”
- “A list? No, I’m just taking notes.”
- “It’s not a list.”
And finally, I came up with some Jewish jokes:
- “You know, a lot of us Jews have to work the holidays, too.”
- “You complain a lot for someone who’s not Jewish.”
Now let’s see how you did.
Many entries alluded to the fact that few people believe in Santa, but these were the best:
- “It’s more important that you believe in yourself.”
- “When did you stop believing in yourself?”
- “But do you believe in you?”
- “Listen, the president calls everything a hoax.”
That last caption doubles as the week’s best topical joke.
These next two captions put a clever spin on the “no one believes in Santa” theme by suggesting that the psychiatrist’s father is trying hard, though unsuccessfully, to maintain his son’s naïve sense of wonder:
- “I know it’s you, Dad.”
- “Dad, I’ve known for a long time.”
Here are the week’s best puns:
- “So what’s your secret, Santa?”
- “I’m gonna need you to wrap this up”
- “No, going to the South Pole won’t make you bipolar.”
Here are a couple references to department store Santas:
- “Maybe they shouldn’t sit on your lap.”
- “Would you feel more comfortable if I sat on your lap?”
Years ago I heard Harold Gould, the actor best known for playing the title character’s father on “Rhoda,” talk about going to see a department store Santa when he was a child. The Santa hoisted Gould onto his lap and asked him what he wanted for Christmas, and Gould told him that he didn’t celebrate Christmas because he was Jewish. The Santa leaned in close and whispered that he was also Jewish. I thought of that story, which I love, when I saw this entry: “No kidding? I’m Jewish, too.”
Here are the best sick jokes:
- “Don’t feel guilty. Venison is delicious.”
- “It’s not your fault that he shot his eye out.”
Here’s the best pandemic joke: “So, how do you feel about being a superspreader?”
And here, in a new category, is the best bestiality joke: “I’m sure you’re not the first guy to have an affair with a dancer.”
Several entries identified or alluded to the specific disorders that drove Santa to seek treatment, like SAD:
- “We’re all a bit depressed after the holidays.”
- “The holidays are tough on everyone.”
- “A lot of this is seasonal.”
Or OCD:
- “No. Checking it twice isn’t obsessive compulsive.”
- “What if you experimented with checking some things once?”
I’d like that last caption better if “some things once” were changed to “things just once.”
The next two captions also suggest that Santa is depressed, but not because of the holidays:
- “Nobody can be jolly all the time.”
- “Frankly, I’d be more concerned if you did feel jolly this year.”
Whomever submitted this entry prescribed a cure for Santa’s depression: “On Xanax! On Zoloft! On Prozac and Valium!”
I love this next caption, which addresses not only the setting (the psychiatrist’s office) but the way Christmas has been transformed from a spiritual celebration of the birth of Christ into a crass celebration of consumerism: “But then again, Christmas is not really about you, is it?”
This next entry is similar and superior to a few of mine: “Sorry, what were you saying? I was making my list.”
The following three captions suggest that Santa’s job—delivering presents to every child in the world—is taking its toll:
- “And you feel you’re always the one doing the giving?”
- “So you feel you have nothing more to give.”
- “I am sure the night before Christmas can be stressful.”
The next entry, however, suggests that the psychiatrist is oblivious to this problem: “You missed last week’s appointment on the 24th. Why was that?”
Here, the psychiatrist gets a little Freudian: “In your dreams, a white Christmas symbolizes death.”
The next two entries allude to marital problems:
- “It’s just one night a year, she needs to let you have that.”
- “Maybe Mrs. Claus will come back if you give up all the ho, ho, hoes.”
Here’s a reference to Santa’s elves that doubles as a Jewish joke: “I’m one of Dr. Bernstein’s helpers.”
This final entry suggests that, even in therapy, Santa can’t stop trying to fulfill everyone’s Christmas wishes: “It’s not about what I want. It’s about what you want.”
This week’s winner is, “But then again, Christmas is not really about you, is it?” And here are two very strong runners-up:
- “On Xanax! On Zoloft! On Prozac and Valium!”
- “Sorry, what were you saying? I was making my list.”
ENTER THIS WEEK’S CAPTION CONTEST
Lawrence Wood has won The New Yorker’s Cartoon Caption Contest a record-setting seven times and been a finalist two other times. He has collaborated with New Yorker cartoonists Peter Kuper, Lila Ash, Felipe Galindo Gomez, and Harry Bliss (until Bliss tossed him aside, as anyone would, to collaborate with Steve Martin). Nine of his collaborations have appeared in The New Yorker, and one is included in the New Yorker Encyclopedia of Cartoons.