In Mick Stevens’ cartoon, the Sandman has floated through an open window into the bedroom of a man who’s lying in bed with his eyes wide open. The Sandman, who’s hovering above the bed and wearing a wireless headset, is speaking.
The headset made me think of those Peloton instructors who exhort their clients to push harder and do more. I actually have no experience with such instructors—I haven’t exercised since 1995—but I’ve seen the commercials, and I like the idea of shouting someone to sleep.
- “Less focus! More fatigue!”
- “Sleep! Sleep! Sleep!”
- “Come one, just eight more hours!”
I then thought of other people who wear wireless headsets:
Telemarketers: “We don’t have a ‘no-float-through-the-window’ list.”
Fast-food workers at drive-thru windows: “They promoted me to fly-thru windows.”
TED Talk presenters: “Tonight’s TED Talk is on sleep deprivation.”
Madonna: “Tonight…you’ll dream of…San Pedrohhhh.”
Now let’s see how you did:
I’ll start with the week’s best puns:
- “I’ll try to help, but I’m just a floater.”
- “He says he’d prefer Whiskey Man.”
- “Bluetooth fairy, actually.”
That last entry loses points for starting with the punchline.
Here are the week’s best sex jokes:
- “Oh, dear. I didn’t scare her off, did I?”
- “Stop that. You’ll go blind.”
And here’s the week’s best reference to “Enter Sandman,” the opening track and lead single from a heavy metal band’s self-titled fifth album: “And now for some Metallica.”
Like I did, many of you submitted entries that included references to people who wear wireless headsets, such as telemarketers:
- “You have won a dream vacation.”
- “Your sleep is very important to us…”
- “Sorry I’m late. We’ve been experiencing higher-than-normal call volumes.”
- “No, I’m just here to notify you about your car’s extended warranty.”
- “What if I told you that you could already be sleeping?”
And fast-food workers: “Would you like fries with your sleep disorder?”
And TED Talk presenters:
- “I’m the ghost of TED talks past.”
- “Welcome to BED Talk.”
No one made a Madonna joke, but here’s a reference to the person who would tell her when to take the stage: “You’re on in five.”
Like that last caption, these entries explain why the man in bed looks so alarmed:
- “I’m hovering above him and throwing sand in his face. I don’t understand why he’s not falling asleep.”
- “I may have thrown too much sand in his eyes.”
- “He was counting stampeding sheep.”
- “Sorry, I ran out of sand. Gravel OK?”
- “He just became woke.”
I don’t usually like meta-captions, but this reference to a classic New Yorker cartoon from my boss, Bob Mankoff, deserves recognition because it actually makes sense in the context of the drawing: “How about Neverland? Is Neverland good for you?”
The next set of captions show the Sandman suggesting stronger or alternative measures for putting the man to sleep:
- “This is a tough one. Send in the Malletman.”
- “Get the mallet.”
- “Send some sheep.”
- “Send more sand.”
- “Requesting backup.”
- ‘This one’s going to need a Valium.”
Finally, we have an entry that explains why the Sandman, whose job is to quietly put people to sleep, would be wearing a microphone: “Keeping people awake is so much easier.”
This was an unusually tough contest, which might explain why we received only 700 entries. Nevertheless, a more than respectable 4% deserved recognition. The best of these, in my opinion, was an exception to the rule that less is more: “I’m hovering above him and throwing sand in his face. I don’t understand why he’s not falling asleep.”
ENTER THIS WEEK’S CAPTION CONTEST
Lawrence Wood has won The New Yorker’s Cartoon Caption Contest a record-setting seven times and been a finalist four other times. He has collaborated with New Yorker cartoonists Peter Kuper, Lila Ash, Felipe Galindo Gomez, and Harry Bliss (until Bliss tossed him aside, as anyone would, to collaborate with Steve Martin). Nine of his collaborations have appeared in The New Yorker, and one is included in The New Yorker Encyclopedia of Cartoons.