In Chris Weyant’s drawing, a man is showing off to his friend or neighbor an upright vacuum cleaner that’s on the mantle above the fireplace.
After a loved one is cremated, some people put the ashes in an urn and display it on the mantle. Because vacuum cleaners also hold ashes, I thought of the following captions:
- “That’s where I keep her ashes.”
- “It’s actually an urn.”
- “It’s both a vacuum cleaner and an urn.”
I got at least part of the idea for that last caption from an old Saturday Night Live commercial parody that featured Dan Ackroyd and Gilda Radner as a married couple arguing about a product called “New Shimmer.” Radner says it’s a floor wax, while Ackroyd insists it’s a dessert topping. Chevy Chase settles the dispute by saying, “Calm down, you two. ‘New Shimmer’ is both a floor wax and a dessert topping.”
My next set of captions address the fact that the vacuum would be, or should be, a conversation starter.
- “Oh, you noticed.”
- “A lot of people ask about that.”
- “No one ever asked about it before I put it there.”
My final caption explains why the vacuum cleaner is kept on the mantle: “We have so little closet space.”
Now let’s see how you did.
There were many entries premised on the idea that the vacuum doubles as an urn:
- “It conveniently doubles as an urn.”
- “My wife’s ashes are in there.”
- “Urns are cheaper, but they don’t capture her essence.”
- “Saved me $150 on an urn.”
- “It was cheaper than an urn.”
The next set of entries went a little further with the same joke by suggesting that the vacuum was used to collect the ashes after they were scattered, or after the urn fell off the mantle:
- “Mom’s ashes. Well, mom’s ashes and a little cat hair.”
- “Whatever isn’t dust bunny or dog hair is Judith.”
- “She always said I treated her like dirt.”
- “I scattered her ashes. Then I changed my mind.”
- “I spilled the wife’s ashes.”
- “The urn fell and broke.”
- “It was easier than replacing the urn.”
- “It’s an urn now.”
One of you suggested that the vacuum cleaner was not a depository for the ashes of the dearly departed, but was itself the departed: “I had to pull the plug.”
Like I did, a few of you imagined that the vacuum was originally kept in the closet:
- “The closet was full.”
- “In the closet it was just collecting dust.”
- “I brought it with me when I came out of the closet.”
There were several references to “horror vacui”—the idea that nature abhors a vacuum—but this was the best: “Nature may abhor a vacuum, but I love them.”
Here’s are a few good examples of my favorite kind of caption—one that highlights the obliviousness of the character who’s speaking:
- “So, that’s where I left it.”
- “You’re probably wondering who all the people in the photographs are.”
- “It looked silly on the kitchen counter.”
The only problem with those entries is their failure to specifically address the fact that the object on the mantel is a vacuum cleaner.
Some people put trophies on their mantels, which is why I like the following caption: “I got this for vacuuming the living room without being asked.”
These captions make the vacuum a hunting trophy:
- “Bagged it myself.”
- “I bagged that one just last week.”
- “Let me tell you how I bagged this one.”
- “I bagged this one about four years ago…then every six months after that.”
This entry combines a reference to hunting trophies with a dog’s fear of vacuum cleaners: “My dogs particularly enjoyed that hunt.”
Finally, here’s a caption that explains why the vacuum cleaner enjoys such pride of place: “I played its serial numbers and won the lottery.”
My choice for this week’s winner makes a long story very short and very funny: “I spilled the wife’s ashes.”