Kaamran Hafeez’s cartoon is set in a cave, where two cavemen are looking at a washing machine. One of the cavemen is speaking.
Because the cavemen are wearing animal skins, which wouldn’t do well in a washing machine, I initially came up with these three captions:
- “But everything we have is dry-clean only.”
- “Nothing we wear is washer-safe.”
- “You can’t wash fur.”
Any cartoon set in a cave invites jokes about discovery/inventions, so here’s my contribution: “Now can you invent electricity and an outlet?”
My next caption alludes to one of the surest ways to break a washing machine: “My mistake. I thought it was for washing rocks.”
I next focused on one reason the cavemen might be so confused: “I’m sure the instruction manual is helpful, but none of us can read.”
Finally, something ironic: “I don’t know. I’m used to a top-loader.”
Now let’s see how you did.
I’ll start with the best of the invention jokes (most of which, like mine, begin with the word, “Now”):
- “Now you just need to invent plumbing and a power grid.”
- “Now if someone would just invent electricity.”
- “Now we just need to discover electricity.”
- “Now I just have to invent electricity.”
- “Now we need to invent detergent.”
- “We need to invent the quarter.”
- “This makes wheel look like piece of crap.”
- “The round thing in front gives me an idea.”
- “I kind of regret inventing chores.”
I’d like that last entry better without the words “kind of.” They make the caption more conversational—it mimics the way people actually talk—but they get in the way of what could be a punchier and, in my opinion, better joke. Every word in a caption counts, and if you can reduce the number of words in a caption by a third you probably should. That’s not a hard and fast rule—sometimes the longer caption is funnier—but it’s something to bear in mind.
Here’s a terrific reference to the short life-expectancy of prehistoric man: “I never thought I’d outlive the extended warranty.”
Like I did, many of you noted that a washing machine would ruin anything a cavemen wears:
- “Thanks, but our loincloths are dry clean only.”
- “Too bad our animal hides are dry clean only.”
- “I prefer to have my clothes hand-washed.”
- “You realize skins are hand-wash only.”
- “I still say fur has to be dry cleaned.”
- “All my clothes are dry clean only.”
One of you, however, suggested that the washer would be fine: “Well, there goes my dry cleaning business.”
This next set of captions alludes to the way cavemen actually did wash their animal skins:
- “Well, let’s take it down to the river and beat our pelts against it.”
- “I drag it to the river and beat my clothes on it.”
- “Let’s load it and beat it against the rocks.”
- “I’d rather beat my clothes on a rock.”
- “Where do the rocks go?”
- “I prefer stone washed.”
Here are the best references to the proscription against mixing whites and coloreds:
- “The club’s in case you mixed the whites with the coloreds again.”
- “And that’s why my loincloth is pink.”
- “This explains the pink pelt.”
- “Separate the colors you Neanderthal.”
That last caption needs a comma between the words “colors” and “you.” Otherwise, it’s great.
There were no sex jokes this week, but there were a few sexist jokes, which is appropriate given the setting:
- “Now she’s going to want more clothes.”
- “Now all we need is a woman to load it.”
- “You should have gotten her the pretty rock.”
There was also a decent pun: “We are about to enter the Ironing Age.”
Many of you suggested the cavemen have no idea what the washing machine is for:
- “I think you heave it on top of your prey.”
- “Thank you for the cumbersome weapon.”
- “That’s your worst guess yet. Why would anyone clean their clothes?”
Many of you, however, suggested that the cavemen are fairly knowledgeable about such things:
- “This will be great for my delicates.”
- “Does it come in avocado green?”
- “I really wanted eggshell.”
- “Frankly, I prefer top loaders.”
I know I already emphasized the importance of eliminating all unnecessary words, but I’m going to do it again because that last caption could be better without the word, “Frankly.”
Like I did, a couple of you suggested that the washing machine’s useless without an outlet:
- “I can’t find anywhere to plug it in.”
- “Where do you plug it in?”
Finally, here are a few terrific captions that don’t fit neatly into any category:
- “I wonder what the delicate cycle is for.”
- “But we don’t even wash our bodies.”
- “We hunt. We gather. We sort.”
- “I don’t have any quarters.”
Well done. It’s been a while since I highlighted this many (44!) captions. I don’t know if I’m going to continue writing these commentaries—the format may change now that the prize for winning the contest is $1,000, and while I’ll be part of the judging panel I don’t know if my other duties will remain the same—but if this is my last one I’m glad I got to go out with a contest that elicited so many terrific entries.
Selecting the best is never easy, but I’m going with, “But we don’t even wash our bodies.”