"Mattress Store" Caption Contest Commentary with Lawrence Wood

This month’s contest featured a drawing by Lila Ash, with whom I’ve collaborated on New Yorker cartoons. Here’s my favorite:

Lila has a terrific new book, “decodependence—a romantic tragicomic,” that you should all buy. (Speaking of books you should purchase, mine comes out on June 4, 2024, but you can pre-order it here: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250333407.)

Lila’s drawing is set in a mattress store, where a young, out-of-shape, and insolent man—the kind I hope none of my three daughters ever dates—is sampling the merchandise. He’s made himself comfortable on one of the beds by stripping down to his boxer shorts and undershirt, and he’s surrounded by unhealthy food (sugary cereal, a large soda, a hamburger from a take-out joint) and a pornographic magazine called PLAYGUY. He’s reclining and typing on his laptop, and at his feet is a German Shepherd, presumably his, on a leash. He’s addressing a salesman, who looks understandably annoyed.

Lila’s original caption suggests that the man is just a cautious consumer: “How else did you expect me to make a decision?”

Several of you went after the same joke:

“I’d like to try the first one again.”
“Three down, nineteen to go.”
“I avoid impulse buys.”

A related entry has the young man suggesting that the salesman has only himself to blame for the situation: “You said try it out.”

Here are some fine examples of transforming an ordinary statement into a fitting caption:

“You’re not my dad!”
“I’m just browsing.”
“Just browsing.”

The last two entries are nearly identical but the shorter one, which is more in line with the young man’s casual attitude, is better. Remember, if a word does not have to be in your caption, delete it.

The following entries all address the laptop:

“The more you bug me the worse this Yelp review gets.”
“You mind? I’m trying to run a startup here.”
“Hang on. I’m ordering a blanket online.”
“What’s the wifi password?”
“I decided to just buy one online.”

The fifth entry is far and away the best of that bunch.

A couple of you focused on the pornography by making masturbation jokes:

“I wouldn’t touch that sock if I were you.”
“There’s one more thing I need to try, but you’ll want to look away.”

With the exception of Joel Mishon, all of us preferred the second joke, which, compared to the first, is kind of subtle.

There’s nothing subtle about this next entry, but it made us all laugh: “Be glad you don’t sell toilets.” Substituting the word “grateful” for “glad” would make the joke even stronger.

Mattresses come with a tag that reads “Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law.” This prohibition is directed at sellers, not consumers, but when I was growing up in the ‘70s it was the subject of many jokes: in an episode of WKRP in Cincinnati, Mr. Carlson says, “You know those mattress tags that say, ‘Do not remove under penalty of law?’ I get nervous just having those around the house;” the cover of National Lampoon’s crime issue showed a pair of gloved hands tearing the tag off the mattress; and in MAD’s parody of Apocalypse Now, the insane Colonel Kurtz (played by Marlon Brando) chops off the head of a Vietnamese villager for removing a mattress tag. One of you remembered those jokes and submitted: “It’s not like I removed the tag.”

Like the “mattress tag” joke, this next entry has the young man defending, or at least trying to minimize, his bad behavior: “I took my shoes off.”

The following entry, a fine example of the “oblivious speaker” caption, suggests that the salesman is not the first person to be annoyed by the customer’s behavior: “Funny. My girlfriend said the same thing.” I love the way that invites the reader to complete the joke by imagining the girlfriend and the salesman both yelling, “Get out!”

This next set of entries make the customer’s behavior even more outrageous by having him accuse the salesman of doing something wrong:

“You keep asking me that. What could I possibly need your help with?”
“You’re making me uncomfortable.”
“Not even a ‘Good Morning?’”
“Can’t you knock?”

That last joke is funny, but it doesn’t really make sense, as it implies that the customer really thinks he’s in his own bedroom and expects the salesman to knock before entering the store. As Bob noted during the judging process, “It’s too much of a stretch.”

This last entry has the customer issuing a very inappropriate demand, one that made Bob laugh out loud: “Spoon me.”

Congratulations to JAMES FLYNN, who submitted the winning entry: “Funny. My girlfriend said the same thing.” The runners-up are: