In Robert Leighton’s cartoon, a woman standing next to a large, wall-mounted flat-screen TV is addressing a man who’s sitting in an armchair and pointing a remote control at the screen, on which there appears an extremely complicated math problem.
Seeing a couple and a TV made me think of the now-common phrase, “Netflix and chill,” and that inspired my first two captions:
- “This is how you chill?”
- “You want to Netflix and theorize?”
The man is obviously a genius, so I enjoyed the irony of his struggling—as many intelligent people do—with the functions on his remote control: “But you can’t figure out how to adjust the volume?”
I also liked having the woman scold him for participating in what’s commonly, and in this case wrongly, dismissed as a mindless activity: “Watching TV rots your brain.”
A variation on the same idea has the woman expressing confusion about the effects of watching too much television: “I thought watching TV lowers your IQ.”
Because I assume mathematical equations are used to explain complex theoretical ideas, I next came up with this caption: “Enough with alternate reality TV.”
Finally, I imagined that the show they’re watching is an adaptation of something that’s not good source material:
- “Who adapts a physics textbook for the screen?”
- “Who adapted ‘Application of Thermodynamics’ for the screen?”
Full disclosure: My father, Bernard D. Wood (a professor of mechanical and aerospace engineering at Syracuse University), wrote a college textbook called “Application of Thermodynamics.” He tried to dedicate it to my mother, but she wouldn’t let him—“When you write a book of love poems,” she said, “you can dedicate it to me”—so he dedicated it to the memory of one of his professors.
Now let’s see how you did.
Many of you submitted entries that connected mathematical terms (derivatives and formulas) to common complaints about TV. Among the best were these three captions:
- “It’s just so derivative.”
- “How formulaic.”
- “And you think the shows I like are formulaic?!”
That last caption would be the best of the lot—I like the way it highlights the tension between the woman and man—were it not for the exclamation point that turns a nice understated joke into a heavy-handed line. Enough with the exclamation points! They’re rarely necessary.
Several of you addressed TV addictions and other unhealthy obsessions:
- “I liked it better when you were addicted to porn.”
- “I’d rather you watch porn.”
- “This better be the last time I catch you watching adult programming.”
- “You have a problem.”
- “A meth addict I could live with.”
It took me a second to get that last caption, which is a pretty terrific pun. Here are two more I almost overlooked:
- “The neighbors are complaining about the Volume.”
- “I hate this add.”
There were, as always, many sex jokes, most of which were tiresome, but I thought this was clever: “If you’re really interested in the area under a curve, give me the remote.” And here’s one that made me laugh out loud: “I can’t believe you masturbate to this.” That, in my opinion, is good enough and inappropriate enough to warrant inclusion in Matthew Diffee’s “The Rejection Collection: Cartoons You Never Saw, and Never Will See, in The New Yorker.”
Now back to the more respectable entries. I would have considered all the “smart TV” captions too obvious had I been clever enough to think of that joke, so congratulations to whomever submitted what I consider to be the best two entries:
- “Enough with the smart TVs.”
- “I hate smart TVs.”
Here’s a caption that’s very similar to but better than one of mine, and would be close to perfect without the exclamation point: “You’ll rot your brain!” I also liked this longer version of the same joke: “Instead of watching TV all day, why don’t you do something to stimulate your brain?”
These three entries do a nice job of emphasizing how boring a show about advanced math would be:
- “I’m not watching this again.”
- “This better not be a series.”
- “I have a solution, but it involves carbon monoxide.”
As I did, many of you submitted captions that mocked the genius’ inability to do something most children can manage, and this was the best: “But you can’t figure out how the remote works?”
Only one of you submitted an alternate reality entry—“Albert, I’m tired of alternative reality shows”—and, while I like it, I think it would be even better without the “Albert.”
“You calculating bastard” doesn’t really address the TV, but it does address the math problem and the woman’s demeanor, so it deserves to be recognized.
I’ll end with four terrific captions that don’t fit neatly into any category:
- “Adjusting the picture won’t make it any clearer.”
- “Do we always have to watch MITV?”
- “Let’s talk division of labor.”
- “Okay…I admit it’s less complicated than Lost.”
This was an extremely strong group of finalists, but I think the best of the week was, “Adjusting the picture won’t make it any clearer.”