This month we have, courtesy of Lars Kenseth, a crime scene. A plainclothes detective is saying something to a uniformed police officer, who’s dusting a huge fingerprint on the wall of a room that’s been cordoned off with yellow barrier tape.
Kenseth’s original caption was: “I don’t want to put the cart before the horse, but this could be connected with half the building falling down.” Here’s a shorter and superior version of the same joke: “Our suspect could be a giant.”
This entry also has the detective stating the obvious: “There should be witnesses.”
The next set of captions suggest that he’s oblivious:
- “We have a witness who says the suspect was wearing glasses.”
- “If only we had something to go on.”
- “I wish we had more to go on.”
- “Anyone get a description?”
- “So where’s the evidence?”
- “Any leads?”
But these entries suggest that the uniformed officer is the slow one:
- “Really? You’re surprised he wasn’t wearing gloves?”
- “That really won’t be necessary.”
Speaking of unnecessary, that last caption (which is good) doesn’t need italics.
Here were the month’s best puns:
- “Round up the unusual suspects.”
- “Run it under the macroscope.”
- “The suspect remains at large.”
- “Great job. Let’s catch this monster.”
That last pun would be so much better without the first two words, which are unnecessary.
Some of you did a nice job of reconciling the disparate frames of reference (giants and criminal investigations) by connecting the suspect’s size to some aspect of law enforcement, such as forensic arts: “I’ll get the sketch muralist.”
Or kidnappings:
“That explains the huge ransom note.”
Or prisons:
- “We’ve got to put this one in the big house.”
- “I think we’re gonna need a bigger cell.”
The next three captions suggest that the detective is scared to pursue a giant:
- “I’ll let you handle the arrest.”
- “Let’s call it a suicide.”
- “What do ya say we just frame the guy who lives next door and call it a day?”
That last entry is too long. If you changed “What do ya say we just” to “Let’s” and substituted “the neighbor” for “the guy who lives next door and call it a day” and made the question a suggestion, you’d have a terrific caption: “Let’s frame the neighbor.” Furthermore, as long as I have a part in judging these contests, I will never consent to giving a cash prize to anyone who shortens “you” to “ya.”
The following entry suggests that the suspect is even larger than the police initially feared: “It gets worse. That’s his pinky.” While discussing this caption during a video conference, Bob Mankoff and Trevor Hoey and I—all grown men with families and jobs—actually checked our hands to confirm that the pinkie is indeed the smallest finger.
Next we have a horrible caption that nevertheless made us all laugh out loud: “Put an APB out for Bigthumb O’Toole.” That’s the very definition of “so bad it’s good.”
We don’t usually care for meta captions, but this one’s alright: “People will suspect us, since our heads look like thumbs.” I would have changed “since” to “as.”
The next three entries suggest that the cartoon is set in an art gallery:
- “Put a frame around it and let’s call it a day.”
- “We think it could be a Bansky job.”
- “It appears to be impressionism.”
Any cartoon that features the police will elicit jokes about donuts, and these were the best:
- “If you run out of print dust, use donut powder.”
- “Speaking of powder, we’re out of donuts.”
Finally, we have a caption that suggests the detective recently attended sensitivity training: “We don’t use the word ‘giant;’ we say ‘person of size.’”
This week’s winning caption comes from Thomas Vida: “Our suspect could be a giant.”
The five runners-up, in no particular order, are:
- “Any leads?”
- “I’ll get the sketch muralist”
- “It appears to be impressionism.”
- “Let’s call it a suicide.”
- “That really won’t be necessary.”