This month we were joined by New Yorker cartoonist Sarah Morrissette, who lives in Vienna. Her cartoon, which is set on the outside deck of what looks to be a very nice vacation home or rental, is a twist on the Goldilocks story. A fully-dressed blond girl is relaxing in a hot tub while the sun is setting, and three bears are standing by the tub and looking at her. The two adult bears look angry, the child bear looks sweet and welcoming, and Goldilocks looks somewhat annoyed.
Sarah’s original caption alluded to the way that Goldilocks would indicate that she had found something to her satisfaction: “A few degrees hotter and this would be just right.”
Several of you took the same approach:
- “A margarita would make this juuust right.”
- “It would be just right with a drink in my hand.”
- “For $500 a night, everything had better be just right.”
- “Until you showed up, it was just right.”
- “But I finally sat on a nozzle that’s just right.”
That last caption doubles as the month’s best sex joke. Here’s an entry that’s not sexual but is crass: “I should warn you. I also mark my territory.” And here’s the month’s best dark joke: “Why would you salt a hot tub?”
Two of you noted that Goldilocks is technically a criminal:
- “Breaking and entering takes a toll on the joints.”
- “Nothing like a little R&R after a B&E.”
This next entry comments on the unfortunate fact that crimes are often taken more seriously when the victim is Caucasian: “Go ahead. Eat the white girl from the suburbs. See what happens.”
The following captions note that this home—with the hot tub and beautiful deck—is significantly nicer than the one where Goldilocks first encountered the three bears:
- “You can afford a hot tub yet you’re still eating porridge?”
- “Why didn’t you tell me you had a vacation home?”
- “I see fame was kind to three of us.”
The next two captions address the gorgeous outdoor setting:
- “You know what would be just right? You not blocking my view.”
- “You’re blocking my view.”
The following entry notes that the items Goldilocks tested in the original story were bowls of porridge, chairs, and beds: “I’m only qualified to comment on food and furniture.” (It would work better if the word “only” appeared after the word “comment” and not before the word “qualified.”)
These captions all note that Goldilocks usually tests three of each item:
- “Shouldn’t there technically be three hot tubs?”
- “Why do you only have one hot tub?”
- “Just one hot tub?”
The next two entries suggest that Goldilocks needed to relax in a hot tub because her prior experience with the bears was so stressful:
- “Well, my last visit didn’t exactly end on a relaxing note.”
- “I’m processing my trauma.”
These captions all refer to Goldilocks’s status as an appraiser:
- “It’s a little warm, but who am I to judge?”
- “I’m telling you, it’s too hot.”
- “This one’s too wet.”
- “Too wet.”
Let’s compare those last two entries, which make the same joke. Usually, shorter is better, but in this case I prefer the slightly longer version because it mimics the language of the original story (This one’s too hot, cold, hard, soft, etc.).
Here are three captions that explain why fur-covered animals should never use hot tubs:
- “You should thank me for cleaning the hair out of the drain.”
- “Well, that explains the clogged filter.”
- “It’s not my hair that clogs the filter.”
This next entry notes that fathers are usually trying to reduce their families’ heating bills: “I’m guessing that Papa Bear controls the thermostat.”
And this caption has Goldilocks referring to another fairytale character: “Rapunzel isn’t the only one letting down her hair.”
Though I don’t usually do this, I’m ending my commentary with a truly awful caption—“No, I asked for three beers.”—because I want to publicly shame my fellow judge, Joel Mishon, for including that among his top ten entries. What was Joel thinking? Not only is that caption an example of the easiest and worst kind of joke—one which suggests that someone misheard the character who’s speaking—it makes absolutely no sense. Why would Goldilocks have asked for three beers?
Another one of my fellow judges, Trevor Hoey, thinks we should start highlighting the worst entry every month, but I don’t want to go down that path, and I suggest that we institute a new policy based on James Brown’s practice of fining musicians in his band who made mistakes. Every time Joel includes something really bad in his top ten captions, he should have to pay every other judge ten pounds. (Joel is English).
Congratulations to JESSICA MISENER, of Ann Arbor, Michigan, who submitted this month’s winning caption: “It’s a little warm, but who am I to judge?” Jessica’s on a roll, as last week she became a finalist in The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest that featured this drawing by Lonnie Milsap:
“Careful. He has preëxisting superstitions.”
Jessica Misener, Ann Arbor, Mich.
“We’re not supposed to eat the damn apple!
You’re supposed to eat the damn apple!”
David Long, Ventura, Calif.
“Stay back, Fred—this is how they got Snow White!”
Ron Nye, Victoria, B.C.
I have nothing to do with selecting the winner of the NYer contest, but I’m willing to bet that Jessica will emerge victorious. Her entry is by far the best.
We have never before selected as the winning caption an entry from someone who that same week had become a finalist in the magazine’s competition. It’s quite an accomplishment.
The five runners-up for our contest are:
- “Well, my last visit didn’t exactly end on a relaxing note.”
- “You can afford a hot tub yet you’re still eating porridge?”
- “Why didn’t you tell me you had a vacation home?”
- “Why would you salt a hot tub?”
- “This one’s too wet.”
If you want to see how we made our selections, we recorded the process and posted it on our YouTube Channel.