In Bob Eckstein’s drawing, which is perfect for the contest because its simple premise provides such fertile ground for captions, a Hollywood agent is saying something to his client, the Frankenstein monster.
“Frankie Goes to Hollywood,” the title I chose for this commentary, was actually submitted as a caption by two entrants, but it’s not something the agent would say. Nevertheless, it captures the essence of the drawing, so I hope the people who submitted “Frankie…” as a caption don’t mind my repurposing it.
As for my own captions, I first alluded to the method by which the monster’s corpse was reanimated:
- “Now, let’s revive your career.”
- “Sorry, but in this business lightning strikes only once.”
The Clash has a song called, “Lightning Strikes (Not Once, But Twice),” but I couldn’t think of a way to incorporate that into a caption. Too bad. I love The Clash.
My next three captions include a play on the word “parts:”
- “You’re in no position to be rejecting parts.”
- “I’ve got some great parts for you.”
- “This is going to be one of your greatest parts.”
I then came up with a #MeToo reference: “Plenty of monsters do well in this town.”
Here are references to both the Oscars and the fact that Frankenstein was the result of a mad doctor’s science experiment: “I got a call from the Academy, but it’s the Academy of Science and Medicine.”
And here’s a Jewish joke: “Any relation to Rubenstein?”
I then had the agent trying to explain why Frankenstein is not enjoying the same measure of cinematic success as other monsters:
- “Because vampires are sexy.”
- “I’m sorry. No one wants to see a movie about a beautiful and morose high school student falling in love with you.”
- “You’re no Edward Cullen.”
If you’re wondering why I, a 57-year-old man, know so much about the “Twilight” movie franchise (as evidenced by those last two captions), I have three teenage daughters.
I next acknowledged that Frankenstein would likely be viewed as an actor with a quite limited range:
- “I know it’s typecasting.”
- “Yes, of course it’s a horror film.”
- “I got you an audition for “The Fred Gwynne Story.’”
That last caption probably makes no sense to anyone who’s younger than I, but Gwynne (who had small but memorable parts in such films as “My Cousin Vinny,” “Fatal Attraction,” and “Pet Semetary”) was best known for his role as a Frankenstein monster-type in the 1964-66 TV sitcom, “The Munsters.”
I then came up with this reference to Mel Brooks’ classic comedy from 1974: “This town is obsessed with youth, and you’re not young, Frankenstein.”
I’m going to end this part of my commentary on a positive note by having the agent deliver some surprisingly good news: “We got Scarlett Johannsen to play the bride.”
Now let’s see how you did.
A lot of entries played on the double-meaning of the word “parts,” but these were the best:
- “I have a few different parts that are perfect for you.”
- “Babe, in your case there are no small parts.”
- “We just need to find you some new parts.”
- “We just need to find you the right parts.”
- “There just aren’t any good parts.”
- “I can’t get you any new parts.”
- “Various parts would suit you.”
Here are a couple #MeToo jokes:
- “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Next to Harvey I wouldn’t even call you a monster.”
- “‘Variety’ found out about the girl.”
- “The girl’s alive, and she’s talking.”
Those last two captions are especially clever (and dark) because they could be taken as references not only to Hollywood sex scandals, but to the scene from the 1931 film, “Frankenstein,” in which the monster plays with and inadvertently kills a young girl. Mel Brooks parodied that scene, and let the girl live, in “Young Frankenstein.”
Speaking of “Young Frankenstein,” here are three entries that allude to it:
- “You’re not that young anymore.”
- “Face it, you’re not young anymore.”
- “Have you done any comedy?”
In Mary Shelley’s novel, the monster is quite eloquent. But in the film adaptations he almost never speaks, a fact that’s highlighted in these two entries:
- “I can see you in a non-speaking role.”
- “Have you memorized your line?”
Here are this week’s best Jewish jokes:
- “My father was also a Jewish doctor.”
- “Your name’s too Jewish.”
- “Do you pronounce that steen or stine?”
One entrant submitted this caption: “Typecasting is a problem.” That’s good, but it highlights another problem: burying the punchline. The punchline should appear at the end of the caption, as it does in this entry: “You need to get used to being typecast.” Here are a couple of good variations on the same joke that don’t even use the word “typecast:”
- “Which part are you trying out for?”
- “Guess who just booked the lead role in ‘Frankenstein 12?’”
South Korea, where cosmetic surgery is a common high school graduation gift, may be the world’s plastic surgery capitol (at least when judged on a per capita basis), but Hollywood can’t be far behind. That’s the premise behind these four captions:
- “Sweetheart, this is L.A. Everyone’s had a little work done.”
- “In Hollywood, everyone’s had work done.”
- “Are you willing to have work done?”
- “Have you had some work done?”
As I noted at the beginning of this commentary, I didn’t think anyone would get my Fred Gwynne jokes. I was wrong:
- “Because Fred Gwynne is a trained actor.”
- “I’m afraid you lost out to Fred Gwynne.”
- “Was I right about ‘My Cousin Vinny?’”
Several of you focused on the fact that the monster was created in a lab:
- “The doctor may have built you, but I made you.”
- “Kid, I’m gonna make you the next big thing.”
- “Don’t forget, I made you what you are.”
In Shelley’s novel, the monster is not physically impaired. He moves swiftly. But that’s not how he’s portrayed on screen, as this caption notes: “Your last performance was a bit stiff.”
Here are the best reanimation jokes, both of which start with the same two words:
- “Sorry, pal, lightning only strikes once in this town.”
- “Sorry, pal, but I don’t do revivals.”
Here’s the best entry that highlights Hollywood’s obsession with youth: “Parts of you are 30, but that doesn’t mean you can play 30.”
Here’s the best entry that alludes to the sickly color of the monster’s skin: “I’m afraid your face disappeared with the green screen.”
Here are three terrific captions that don’t fit neatly into any category:
- “I’m afraid they went with Leonardo.”
- “Love the new head shots, but leave it attached next time.”
- “Plus, they’ll pop for a new brain.”
I typically conclude my review of your entries with the captions that don’t fit into a particular category. This time, however, I want to end with the entries that came closest to matching Bob Eckstein’s original caption, which last week I learned was, “You were made for this role.” (That is why I did not include, in the commentary section where I review my ideas, any versions of that joke. I’m not a joke thief.)
First we have, “This is the role you were born to play.” That’s good, but the monster wasn’t really born. He was created in a lab.
Next we have, “Assity ass ass poop titty…you were made for this part!” Regular readers of this feature may recognize the first part of that entry, as it was submitted two weeks ago (coincidentally, for a contest that used a Bob Eckstein drawing). It was, I assumed, a criticism of my perceived penchant for scatological humor and sex jokes. That criticism made me laugh, but I wouldn’t highlight it a second time if it didn’t also include such a strong caption. I like, “You were made for this part!” (I even like the exclamation point.) Nevertheless, it makes no sense coming after the words, “assity ass ass poop titty.”
Finally, we have “You were made for this picture.” It’s almost identical to Eckstein’s entry, but I think Eckstein was right to use the word “role” instead of “picture.”
“You were made for this picture” is therefore the best of the last three entries, but it’s not this week’s winner. That honor goes to an unusually strong pun: “There just aren’t any good parts.”