In Pat Byrnes’ crime scene, a detective is looking at the chalk outline of a dismembered body and saying something to a uniformed officer.
My first idea was to have the detective state the obvious:
- “I suspect foul play.”
- “I’m ruling out suicide.”
Then, because the six body parts look like puzzle pieces, I considered these two captions:
- “We have to make all the pieces fit.”
- “It’s a puzzle.”
Finally, I imagined the victim was not a person but a mannequin:
- “I’m liking the window dresser for this.”
- “The window dresser did it.”
Now let’s see how you did:
My initial idea, “I suspect foul play,” was hardly unique. Nine entrants submitted that exact caption. Here are some variations on the same joke:
- “I’m beginning to suspect foul play.”
- “I’m beginning to think this was no accident.”
- “This was no accident.”
There were even more variations on another one of my captions, “I’m ruling out suicide:”
- “So far we’ve ruled out suicide.”
- “Let’s rule out suicide.”
- “I have some doubts about that suicide note.”
Instead of having the detective state the obvious, many of you made him completely oblivious to it:
- “Any sign of a struggle?”
- “Any sign of foul play?”
- “What makes you suspect foul play?”
- “Looks like an accident.”
- “I’m thinking suicide.”
- “Suicide?”
- “Pretty impressive for a suicide.”
- “Did he leave a note?”
Here’s a variation on the “suicide note” idea that pins the murder on the victim’s spouse: “His wife said he didn’t leave a note.”
And here are a couple more “wife did it” entries:
- “His wife said, ‘does this make me look fat’ and then what happened?”
- “Last thing the neighbors heard was his wife say, ‘Does this make me look fat?’”
- “His wife claims he just slipped.”
I’d like that last caption even more without the word “just.”
In each of the next five entries, the police officer is beyond oblivious and doesn’t even know he’s investigating a murder:
- “Did you get a statement from the victim?”
- “Any reports on the condition of the victim?’
- “Will he pull through?”
- “Do you think he’ll make it?”
This next caption assumes the victim was not murdered: “It’s amazing he survived.”
There were literally hundreds of what I’ll call—in tribute to a song from a Talking Heads soundtrack—“Puzzlin’ Evidence” entries. Here are some of the best:
- “Let’s see if we can piece this one together.”
- “I’m starting to see how the pieces fit.”
- “How do you figure this all fits together?”
- “I think I see a pattern.”
- “Well, this certainly is a puzzle.”
There were almost as many mannequin entries. Here’s a select sample:
- “Here’s hoping this was a mannequin.”
- “Mannequin slaughter.”
- “The M.E. report says it was a mannequin.”
- “We’ve located his wife in a window at Saks Fifth Avenue.”
- “Why he attacks mannequins is the bigger mystery.”
That last caption would be better if the punchline appeared at the end, like this: “The bigger mystery is why he attacks mannequins.”
Anyone familiar with the classic detective game “Clue” will appreciate this entry: “Miss Scarlet, in the parlor, with the chainsaw.”
The scattered body parts reminded several of you of one of the most influential artists of the 20th century:
- “I’m thinking Picasso.”
- “Picasso doesn’t do any more outlines.”
Here’s a clever reference to an old nursery rhyme, but I’m not sure it makes sense in the context of a modern crime scene: “I think we can rule out the baker and the candlestick maker.”
These captions all explain how the victim ended up the way he did:
- “His browsing history turned up a page titled ‘How to Neuter Your Pit Bull.’”
- “Fell apart when his wife left him.”
- “Looks like the victim was quartered and drawn.”
- “Looks like a very bad breakup.”
- “Leprosy.”
The next entry may fall under the “too soon” category, as it alludes to the killing of Botham Jean, a black man who was shot in his own apartment by his neighbor, a white, female police officer named Amber Guyger: “So she thought it was her own apartment?” I’m including this somewhat disturbing caption because I don’t think it makes light of the tragedy. Instead, it comments (in a way that is both darkly humorous and very serious) on the fact that innocent African-Americans are being gunned down by the police in their own homes.
I don’t want to end on such a depressing note, so here are a few decent puns:
- “I’d contact the wife, but he’s separated.”
- “I hear he was recently separated.”
- “Rest in pieces.”
I love the next two entries, which presume that the victim was dismembered not by a psychotic murderer, but by the officers charged with removing the body:
- “We could have just ordered more large body bags.”
- “Are we out of the large body bags again?”
The punchline in both of those captions is “large body bags,” so the second entry would be better without the word “again.”
Here are five terrific captions that don’t fit neatly into any category:
- “Dear God, is that permanent marker?”
- “Tell the chalk guy it was funny the first time.”
- “We’re going to need a lot of police tape for this one.”
- “Can you enter and then break, or does it have to be the other way around?”
- “He was taken to Mount Sinai. And St. Francis, North Shore, and Hackensack.”
This contest elicited by far the greatest number of really good entries. Out of the almost 2,000 I received, a record-breaking 54 deserved special recognition, and in many cases the same entry was submitted by more than one person. For instance, two people submitted what I believe was this week’s best entry: “Did he leave a note?” If Bob agrees with my choice, he’ll have to toss a coin to determine who gets credit for it.