Sarah Morrissette’s cartoon is set in heaven, where St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates. Open in front of him is a book containing the names of the deceased, and he’s addressing a caveman holding a club in his right hand.
My first caption acknowledges the difficulty of looking up a caveman’s name: “Spell that.”
My next caption addresses both the caveman’s unwashed state and the belief that one cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven without first getting baptized: “I don’t think you’ve ever bathed, let alone been baptized.”
Finally, I suggest that St. Peter thinks the caveman doesn’t belong in heaven:
- “You might feel more comfortable in hell.”
- “You’ll like it down there. They have fire.”
Now let’s see how you did:
Several of you referred to caveman tropes—always popular in cartoons—such as the poor treatment of cavewomen:
- “We have video of you pulling her hair.”
- “I see here that you hit on your neighbor’s wife.”
And the discovery of fire:
- “It wasn’t enough to invent it—you had to go and play with it, didn’t you?”
- “I’ve been busy since you geniuses invented fire.”
I like those last two captions—especially because the first explains how the caveman died and the second alludes, quite darkly, to the number of fire-related deaths—but the first would be better if the word “invent” were replaced by “discover.” One does not invent fire.
This entry alludes to the invention of the wheel—“Yeah, well, I invented the waitlist”—but it’s very close to and not quite as good as this winning entry from an old New Yorker caption contest:
These entries take a common phrase and give it a new and fitting meaning within the context of the cartoon:
- “You’re older than sin.”
- “Go to hell.”
- “It’s about time.”
Like that last caption, the following entries all suggest that the caveman should have arrived in heaven long ago:
- “We had you scheduled to show up here quite a while ago.”
- “What took you so long?”
- “You’re late.”
Whereas these captions suggest that he’s shown up way ahead of time:
- “You’re early. Gates aren’t open yet.”
- “We open in 20,000 years.”
- “You’re early.”
- “You’ll have to take a seat and wait until the Savior is born.”
Like that last caption, this next entry suggests that the caveman cannot be admitted into Heaven until after Jesus is born, but adds a clever twist by suggesting that the cavemen must accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior before knowing anything about Him: “No, the Savior hasn’t been born yet, but do you accept Him or not?”
The next two entries suggest that the caveman believed in a higher power, but not the right one:
- “No…it’s because you worshipped everything but the one God.”
- “Don’t give me that old-time religion.”
Like I did, a couple of you focused on the book of names that’s open in front of St. Peter:
- “How do you spell that?”
- “I need a name.”
This caption alludes to the rift between evolutionists and fundamentalist Christians: “No. No. Adam was first and that’s that.”
Like I did, one of you suggested the caveman might be more comfortable in hell: “Well, if you prefer a cave, there is one other option.”
I’ll end this commentary by highlighting the week’s best puns, all of which explain why St. Peter won’t let the caveman into heaven:
- “But you behaved like a Neanderthal.”
- “You weren’t always upright.”
- “You call yourself upright?”
This week’s winner is one of the puns: “You weren’t always upright.”
Lawrence Wood has won The New Yorker’s Cartoon Caption Contest a record-setting seven times and been a finalist four other times. He has collaborated with New Yorker cartoonists Peter Kuper, Lila Ash, Felipe Galindo Gomez, and Harry Bliss (until Bliss tossed him aside, as anyone would, to collaborate with Steve Martin). Nine of his collaborations have appeared in The New Yorker, and one is included in The New Yorker Encyclopedia of Cartoons.