Evan Lian has drawn a bald Superman putting his toupee on (or taking it off) a wig stand. Next to him is a woman—Lois, I assume—who’s wearing a bathrobe and holding a cup of coffee. Superman is speaking to her.
I immediately thought of Lex Luthor, Superman’s bald adversary, and imagined Superman admiring his archrival’s decision to forego a hairpiece: “I wish I had Luthor’s confidence.”
I next imagined Superman envying those superheroes whose costumes cover their heads: “I wouldn’t have to do this if I were Batman.”
Here’s a reference to Superman’s most famous line: “I used to have a beautiful head of hair. Then one day…up, up and away.”
And here’s a reference to the green, crystalline material that is Superman’s Achilles’ heel: “Kryptonite isn’t lethal, but it does result in hair loss.”
Now let’s see how you did.
There were a lot of references to Superman’s bald nemesis:
- “I’m beginning to understand why Lex Luthor is so full of rage.”
- “Now I understand why Lex Luthor turned evil.”
- “I owe Lex an apology.”
- “Don’t tell Lex.”
- “I don’t want to give Lex the satisfaction.”
- “I wish I could pull off bald like that bastard Lex.”
- “Well, I don’t want to be mistaken for Lex Luthor.”
- “It turns out I’m my own worst enemy.”
That last entry—which, like many captions I highlight in these commentaries, gives a common phrase a different meaning in the context of the drawing—is rather elegant, as it doesn’t even mention Lex Luthor by name.
The next four entries show that Superman is at least somewhat ashamed of his inability to embrace his baldness:
- “Vanity is my true kryptonite.”
- “Vanity is my other kryptonite.”
- “It’s true. I’m also Super Vain.”
- “I’m torn between vanity and aerodynamics.”
Like that last caption, these two entries acknowledge that a bald head provides less resistance than a full head of hair:
- “On the other hand, I fly faster without it.”
- “It does look good, but it creates a lot of drag.”
The next two captions suggest that Superman is using more than a toupee to improve his appearance:
- “I’ve also been stuffing a sock in my tights.”
- “I also put a sock in my tights.”
But he may not be the only vain superhero: “I heard Batman just got a tummy tuck.”
These entries acknowledge the problem of keeping one’s toupee in place while soaring through the air:
- “A big gust of wind could really hurt my image.”
- “High winds are my kryptonite.”
- “My last one went up, up, and away.”
While these puns suggest a solution:
- “This looks like a job for…super glue.”
- “Hand me the Super glue.”
- “Get the superglue.”
- “Superglue.”
Speaking of puns:
- “The doctor says I have supermale pattern baldness.”
- “It’s from Hairclub for Super Men.”
This caption is similar to the last one, but not a pun: “I’m leaving Justice League and joining Hair Club.”
The next six entries explain how Superman lost his hair:
- “Someone put kryptonite in my shampoo.”
- “Apparently kryptonite also causes hair loss.”
- “Turns out X-ray vision gives off a ton of radiation.”
- “Do you have any idea how much radiation is in kryptonite?”
- “So much testosterone has its down side.”
- “Unfortunately, I’m also invulnerable to Rogaine.”
Here are a few references to common phrases associated with Superman:
- “My hairline went up, up, and away.”
- “It receded faster than a speeding bullet.”
- “I can stop a speeding locomotive, but not a receding hairline.”
These entries note the bald Superman’s resemblance to other animated characters, including Mr. Clean:
- “I should have been a grime fighter with an earring.”
- “Now back to being plain old Caillou.”
Most of this week’s entries ignored the woman standing next to Superman, but there were a few notable exceptions:
- “My last secret, Lois. I swear, my last secret.”
- “Lois, I don’t want coffee. I want hair.”
- “We’ve both changed, Lois.”
And here’s an equally clever reference to Superman’s alter-ego, Clark Kent: “I can’t afford a hair transplant on a reporter’s pay.”
Here’s the week’s best topical caption: “I usually just paint it on, but after what happened to Rudy…”
Here’s the best entry that came out of left field: “I know the S stands for skinhead but I am considering a new look.”
And here are several entries that highlight Superman’s regret, pain and sadness:
- “So much has changed. Remember phone booths?”
- “I wish my hair follicles were made of steel.”
- “First I lose my planet, and now this.”
- “Supervillains can be so cruel.”
- “The only thing I’m fighting is my midlife crisis.”
- “It’s the only thing about me that’s not super.”
- “It used to be kryptonite, now it’s male pattern baldness.”
To avoid ending on such a depressing note, let me congratulate the fifty-one entrants who submitted captions that warranted special attention. That’s a record. I can’t limit myself to highlighting just one of them, so I’m selecting a winner—“My hairline went up, up, and away.”—and two runners-up:
- “I wish I could pull off bald like that bastard Lex.”
- “Someone put kryptonite in my shampoo.”
ENTER THIS WEEK’S CAPTION CONTEST
Lawrence Wood has won The New Yorker’s Cartoon Caption Contest a record-setting seven times and been a finalist two other times. He has collaborated with New Yorker cartoonists Peter Kuper, Lila Ash, Felipe Galindo Gomez, and Harry Bliss (until Bliss tossed him aside, as anyone would, to collaborate with Steve Martin). Nine of his collaborations have appeared in The New Yorker, and one is included in the New Yorker Encyclopedia of Cartoons.