In the late J.B. Handlesman’s cartoon, a judge is presiding over a jury trial where the attorneys for both parties have fallen asleep (or passed out) at their tables. The jurors, the witness, and the judge are all looking at these two unconscious advocates, and the judge is speaking.
When an attorney finishes presenting his case he “rests,” and my first and most obvious captions allude to that term:
- “It appears that both parties have rested.”
- Apparently, both parties have rested.”
I next imagined that the witness had put the attorneys to sleep with his testimony, and that the judge was admonishing him to keep his answers brief:
- “Try to avoid long narratives.”
- “The court will once again instruct the witness to keep his answers brief.”
An “interested party” has a stake in the outcome of litigation, but neither of Handleman’s attorneys seems very involved:
- “It appears we have no interested parties.”
- “Neither party appears interested.”
A similar caption has the judge addressing the witness: “You’re not a very interesting interested party.”
I then put a spin on the common term for a practicing lawyer: “Members of the jury, these are attorneys-at-ease.”
Finally, I presumed that the witness was a criminal defendant receiving some advice from the bench: “If you’re convicted, you’ll have a great ‘ineffective assistance of counsel’ claim.” The problem with that caption, aside from the fact that it’s not funny, is that the prosecuting attorney is also asleep.
Now, let’s see how you did:
There were many, many “both parties have rested” captions. Here’s a small sample of the best:
- “Apparently, both the prosecution and the defense rest.”
- “Apparently, the prosecution and defense rest.”
- “It would seem that both the prosecution and the defense rest.”
- “I take it the defense rests as well?”
- “Well, I see both counsels rest.”
- “The Prosecution and Defense both rest.”
- “Counsels for the Prosecution and the Defense rest.”
There were also quite a few captions that assumed the witness had put the attorneys to sleep with his long-winded and dull testimony. I especially liked these entries:
- “The court appreciates your exhaustive testimony on the legality of mattress tag removal.”
- “Are there any further questions for the accountant?”
- “The court finds the defendant…boring.”
- “The witness is directed to keep his answers brief.”
Several of you incorporated a clever reference to the written exam every lawyer must take before getting licensed, while presuming that the attorneys in this cartoon did not fall asleep so much as pass out:
- “I guess they didn’t pass the bar last night.”
- “Looks like they didn’t pass the bar last night.”
- “There’s no bar they’ve ever passed.”
- “All they had to do was pass the bar.”
- “I wish they’d passed the bar.”
I like all three variations on this joke:
- “I’ll accept any motion at this time.”
- “Does either side wish to make a motion?”
- “Someone make a motion.”
While the next six captions don’t fit neatly into any category, they’re all good and they all surprised me:
- “Would the jury like to question the witness?”
- “Tomorrow, I go back to using a gavel.”
- “They really couldn’t handle the truth.”
- “Looks like both parties hired legal dream teams.”
- “Bailiff! Sharpie!”
- “I declare a missed trial.”
But to my mind the best entry was, “I wish they’d passed the bar.”