Eisner Award-winning illustrator Peter Kuper (with whom I’ve collaborated on cartoons that have appeared in The New Yorker and MAD, where Peter has been drawing the Spy vs. Spy feature for almost thirty years) submitted the cartoon for this month’s caption contest. It’s set in a doctor’s office, where an overweight physician holds a cigar in one hand and a martini in the other while addressing his patient, a slender man who’s sitting on the examination table. The doctor is speaking.
Kuper joined our judging panel and helped select this month’s winning entry and five runners-up. His original caption suggested that the doctor got defensive after the patient questioned his qualifications: “Who’s the doctor here?”
Similar entries had the doctor questioning conventional wisdom:
- “Nobody believes those research studies.”
- “Nine out of ten doctors are wrong.”
- “I did my own research.”
“I swore a hypocritical oath” is a decent but obvious caption, as evidenced by the fact that it was not only the very first entry we received but one of about twenty variations on the same joke.
We also saw this caption a lot: “Do as I say, not as I do.” It’s an obvious line—I thought of it as soon as I saw Kuper’s drawing—but the real problem is the second clause, which explains and thereby kills the joke. I wish someone had submitted the shorter and far superior, “Do as I say.”
These entries have the doctor suggesting that the patient follow his bad example:
- “How about giving up—have you tried that?”
- “Have you considered giving up?”
Bob loved this caption—“The real enemy is sugar.”—but it doesn’t actually work because the doctor has a large chocolate bar in his right pocket. If it weren’t there, the sugar caption would be perfect.
Several tasteless entries made me laugh out loud:
- “I’ll need the use of that examination table when Nurse Millie arrives.”
- “Not appropriate? You’re the one with a toy car stuck in his ass.”
- “What did you think of the magazines in my waiting room?”
- “Now take that gown off nice and slow.”
- “I just screwed my nurse.”
These captions explain why the doctor is smoking and drinking:
- “I have found people will tell their bartender things they will not tell their physicians.”
- “We’ve switched from ObamaCare to SinatraCare.”
- “You think it’s easy giving this kind of news?”
- “Well, I’m not the one with cancer.”
- “I’m no quitter.”
These entries have the doctor delivering prognoses, none of which is relevant to the patient:
- “There’s no easy way to say this, but I only have six months to live.”
- “I have six months to live.”
- “I don’t have long to live.”
This caption has the doctor delivering bad news and cleverly suggests that smoking and drinking are not his only vices: “If I were a gambling man—and I am—I’d say your chances aren’t great.”
And these entries have the doctor giving his patient only somewhat positive prognoses:
- “It’s benign, but I want to keep an eye on it until my gambling debts are paid off.”
- “The good news is you’ll probably outlive me.”
- “You will have a long boring life.”
I’d like that last entry more if “have” were replaced with “live” and if there was a comma after “long.” Try it out: “You will live a long and boring life.” Isn’t that better?
In the next three captions the doctor offers what is, under the circumstances, an unhelpful suggestion:
- “Have you ever considered a change in lifestyle?”
- “I recommend a few lifestyle changes.”
- “You need to relax.”
The next two entries present a twist on the same common piece of medical advice:
- “I’m going to take two aspirin and call you in the morning.”
- “Take two aspirin and call me in the afternoon.”
I prefer the second caption because it goes beyond the obvious joke—that a person who drinks and smokes to excess would need pain relief—and suggests that such a person would not be an early riser.
The best topical captions alluded to the shockingly unqualified people (Hesgeth, Kennedy, McMahon, Noem, Rubio, Bondi, Gaetz) President Trump has put or tried to put in positions of power:
- “I’m trying to become Secretary of Health and Human Services.”
- “Relax, I was just nominated for Surgeon General.”
Here are the month’s best puns:
- “Lucky for me, your test results are sobering.”
- “I’m gonna give it to you straight up.”
Dark joke: “Consider this your farewell parry.”
Anesthesia jokes:
- “We’ll both be lightly sedated for this procedure.”
- “During the procedure, we’ll both be numb.”
Positional alcohol nystagmus joke: “I also have a spinning sensation.”
And jokes about the addictive qualities of nicotine, alcohol, and opiates:
- “It’s not nearly as addictive as what I prescribed you.”
- “Careful, those pills can be habit-forming.”
That first caption would be much better if the word “it’s” were replaced with “they’re” because the doctor is using two addictive products.
This is a terrific example of the “oblivious speaker” caption: “You’re in perfect health. What’s your secret?”
And here’s an odd but somewhat clever reference to the fact that the cigar is lit and the martini is chilled: “So, you want the warm hand or the cold hand?”
I’ll conclude with four terrific captions that don’t fit neatly into any category:
- “I wish they wouldn’t schedule these 5 o’clock appointments.”
- “I’m feeling great. Thanks for asking. How are you feeling?”
- “It’s nothing I’d worry about.”
- “No—but I have a liquor license.”
I don’t think I’ve ever highlighted this many (46) entries. Congratulations to DAVID BOWLUS, who submitted the winning caption: “It’s nothing I’d worry about.”
The five runners-up are:
- “I wish they wouldn’t schedule these 5 o’clock appointments.”
- “It’s not nearly as addictive as what I prescribed you.”
- “Relax—I was just nominated for Surgeon General.”
- “Nine out of ten doctors are wrong.”
- “No—but I have a liquor license.”
If you want to see how we made our selections, we recorded the process and posted it on our YouTube Channel.
I often end these commentaries with a plug for my book on the caption contest, but this month I want to promote Kuper’s forthcoming book, “Insectopolis,” which comes out on May 13:
