This month the cartoonist, Dan Misdea, joined our panel of judges. His drawing is set in a living room, where a man and woman are sitting on their couch. They’re surrounded by beavers, most of whom are gnawing on the furniture. One beaver is on the woman’s head and another is on her right shoulder. The woman is calmly addressing the man, who’s holding a mug of coffee on his lap. Misdea’s original caption alludes to people who unwisely try to domesticate wild animals: “They’re cute but make terrible pets.”
One of you made a very similar joke: “I love them, but I can never have a Christmas tree.”
All of the following entries are good even though they’re not specific to beavers:
- “I liked it better when you were in the book of the month club.”
- “There are more upstairs. Want to see them?”
- “I thought they were both female.”
- “I’m picking the next Airbnb.”
- “Wait, I thought they were yours.”
Here are the month’s best puns:
- “Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t.”
- “We share the same taste in furniture.”
- “I miss the dog days of summer.”
- “Our cottage is their industry.”
- “I met their dad on Timber.”
That last caption doubles as the month’s best beastiality joke.
The next entry, a pun that doubles as the best erection joke—“Sure. Protect that wood.”—led to a surprising debate during the judging process. I liked the way it highlighted a seemingly insignificant detail—the placement of the coffee mug—but Mankoff criticized it on the grounds that, and I’m trying to be delicate here, the mug would not be resting that low in the man’s lap if he were actually aroused. Here’s a similar joke that addresses Bob’s concern, but it doesn’t quite work because the man is holding the coffee mug: “Good thing you’re wearing a cup.”
Surprisingly, and it was a pleasant surprise, we received only two entries that referred to the slang definition of beaver. This was the slightly superior one: “I appreciate you curbing your insightful juvenile wit.” It would work better, however, without the word “insightful,” which adds nothing to the joke.
The next entry appeared only on Joel Mishon’s top ten list, but when he defended it we all realized how good it is: “So that’s two votes for ‘Love Actually’ and 14 votes for ‘A River Runs Through It.’” It comes out of left field but works perfectly, not only because the man and woman look like they’re settling in to watch a movie on TV, but because it correctly identifies the number of people and beavers. It’s also a great example of the “oblivious speaker” caption, as the woman’s not at all concerned that the beavers are destroying the furniture and gnawing on her shoulder.
Here’s a much shorter “oblivious speaker” entry: “What beavers?”
And speaking of concise captions:
- “They’re teething.”
- “They’re rescues.”
The next three entries refer to beaver impoundments:
- “The upstairs toilet and upstairs sink and upstairs tub and downstairs toilet and downstairs sink and kitchen sink are clogged.”
- “We’re hoping the dam will be mid-century modern.”
- “You said we needed flood insurance.”
I love that first caption, but Mankoff said that only shows that my judgment is not as good as my caption contest record suggests.
Here’s the month’s best mother-in-law joke: “At least they like the furniture your mother picked out.”
Here’s the best reference to an iconic television sitcom from the 1950s: “Ward, I’m worried about the beavers.”
And here’s the best divorce joke: “I’m leaving you but, for the record, it’s not because of the beavers.”
This is a perfectly serviceable entry—“This is why we can’t have nice things.”—but it appears so often in crowdsourcing it’s becoming more of a tired cliché than a clever joke.
This entry refers to a common saying about beavers: “I always feel so lazy around them.”
This entry puts a clever spin on a common expression by adding the perfect word at the very end: “They’re eating us out of house and home furnishings.”
I don’t get this caption—“And then on Tuesday the penguins will be here for buffing and waxing.”—but the other judges loved it.
This next entry notes that beavers and maple trees are both found in popular outdoor tourist destinations: “A souvenir jar of maple syrup would have been fine.”
I like the way this entry drops us into the middle of a discussion about the beavers, and suggests that man has just said something very stupid: “Actually, it’s not anything like ants at a picnic.”
This captions suggests the beavers are in the market for a new home: “I think they might make an offer.”
And finally, we have the woman asserting a less than compelling defense of her decision to hoard beavers: “At least I’m not a crazy cat lady.”
Congratulations to MARC SIEGEL, who submitted this month’s winning caption: “So that’s two votes for ‘Love Actually’ and 14 votes for ‘A River Runs Through It.’” The five runners-up are:
- “And then on Tuesday the penguins will be here for buffing and waxing.”
- “A souvenir jar of maple syrup would have been fine.”
- “Actually, it’s not anything like ants at a picnic.”
- “I thought they were both female.”
- “I’m picking the next Airbnb.”
For those of you who want to see how we made our selections, we recorded the process and is posted here Part 1 and Part 2. One more piece of news: I am for the fifteenth time a finalist in The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest. If you think my entry’s the best, you can vote for it on the magazine’s website.